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I am glad I am not a Parakeet

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For those of you that don’t know. A type of arthritics called GOUT is one of the most painful things in the world. A little like walking down the dock with a bag of groceries and look towards your beautiful 36 foot sports fisherman and all you see is the marlin tower sitting calmly just one foot blow the water. Yeah, it is that kind of painful sinking feeling, nothing quite is as painful as a gout attack. 

I have had my share over the years since I was thirty. I suffer maybe one attack a year, and that puts my but flat out on the sofa popping prescription pills praying for some relief. Well, this happened last week. Not the week to be laid up. We had a sold out week at Victorian Station Jims BBQ and I was playing a special piano concert for the Saturday night crowd. Problem was I do all the BBQ cooking and as of Thursday I still could not walk. I was beginning to worry.

 Sitting on the sofa with a foot the size of a football I was playing with my new smart phone. I had just bought it and actually ask the sales person I did not want to purchase a smart phone but a dumb one. A phone that is not smart enough to keep up with my billing. No such luck. 

As I gleam into the twilight of new smart phone nirvana, I notice the HUGE racket my Parakeets were making. Oh Jeeze, there they go again, screwing their brains out. These birds have more sex than Hugh Heffner. Loud to!! Now, I started out with two birds, and now have five. These things multiply like Squirrels in an attack. 

Since I could not move off the sofa due to 1000 midgets sticking knives in my feet, I thought passing the time watching the Parakeets screw was about my only choice of entertainment. Curious, I googled on my smart phone Parakeet sex and immediately a U Tube video pops up and these two birds are going at it! Now I have birds screwing in the living room and also on my cell phone. Beats soap operas. 

In my curious state I continued to read about the mating habits of Parakeets. From what I could see it did not look like a habit, more like a 24 \7 obsession. In my reading I found one disturbing thing. 

The male Parakeet has no Penis!! A Cloaca yes, but….. Oh boy! Poor Keet! Heck the way this male Keet gets off I would HATE to see what he did if he actually had a Penis. Geeeze. I would have to rename him “Lance Manyon Johnson Byrd” keet1

I am not sure how the Keet got so shafted, or should I say, not shafted….. in the private area. When the good Lord was handing them out, he did give some birds the tools that we as men have come to value so much. 

So while I am sitting on the sofa in more pain and agony than I can muster and watching bird feathers fly around the room as if tornado propelled, I think of one thing. 

As bad as I feel, I would never trade being able to fly for a Cloaca. 

Jim Baugh

Jim Baugh Outdoors TV

Author of “HOOKED”

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One response »

  1. What a hoot! But I think your Keets probably have ol Hefner beat at this stage of the game.

    Like

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